Begging To Exist
Writing an email is difficult for me emotionally.
— 4 min read
Table of Contents
Context
About 2 days ago, I got an email that move out was upcoming soon. Immediately, I'm scared. Ever since I became an orphan, I've always struggled with unstable housing.
My initial plan was to move back into my previous dorm as soon as the coming semester began. But the email suggested that I move out sooner than expected. And I have no where else to go??
So, I needed to write an email as soon as possible to address this problem. But, I procrastinated doing this for 2 days. Actually, I procrastinated for 2 months because I knew this was going to happen. I just, for some reason, could not get myself to start writing.
Fortunately, I did manage to write and send the email before my move out date. And, I also discovered why I procrastinate in regards to these types of things.
I understand better now. When it comes to housing, I find it so difficult to express my circumstances and request for exceptions to my situation. I feel like my entire life has been an exception—an abnormality. Even getting housing during the summer was partly an exception.
You see, I was granted an unprecedented "grace period" where I would not be charged any fees from overstaying at my previous dorm. The thing is, summer housing was at another dorm, but they had not begun accepting people yet. However, there was a late fee at my previous dorm where if you had not moved out by a specific date, you would be charged.
So, while I wait for the other dorm to open, I saw the other students leave my dorm one by one.
I was envious.
Thankfully, I was not charged because I managed to secure summer research housing. I'm grateful to my professor for this.
Begging to Exist
The reason I find these types of emails so difficult to write boils down to insecurity. I am insecure about family, about housing, about trying to live.
Writing these emails feels like fighting for my life. I hate this feeling. It doesn't feel good.
Every time I request for an extension, for an exception, it feels like I'm exposing my vulnerability, my inadequacies, and my desperation. The act of explaining my circumstances to others makes me feel like a burden, like I am asking for too much, even when what I am asking for is just a basic necessity—a place to live.
This reminds me that I lack the stability and support that many others take for granted.
I find all of this embarrassing. It feels like I have to go down on all fours and beg to survive.
It is just so embarrassing for me to admit that I'm in such a precarious situation. I fear judgment and pity, it's all so shameful.
Every time I hit "send", I brace myself for rejection, for the possibility that my plea for help might be dismissed or ignored. This constant state of anxiety is exhausting, and it chips away at my self-worth.
Am I not even worthy enough to live? If I am worthy, then why do I have to struggle to find a stable home?
Despite this, I have no choice but to ask for help. I want to survive. Even if it means throwing my pride away as a human, I will do it.
I am here, I exist, and I need help.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
I just got a response and it melted my fears away. I was informed that there was no immediate need to vacate my current dorm room.
It made me both happy and sad.
I was happy about this development. And I felt sad and pathetic to be happy about securing something so basic.
I'm here, and I do exist.